Please forgive me if I ever repeat myself. Days are starting to meld together as I work on keep myself busy until I receive the Word (Him guiding me in a certain direction), and in turn the word (of whatever the plan is). I got into a bit of a rut with baking and reading. I’m not getting much of anything accomplished. Another person confirmed admin spreading rumors about me. Why did I ask?! Not sure from where the fear stemmed, because I honestly have been doing better even before the call. Suddenly the haunting image of Ip and her cry of despair shook me out of my selfish, self-centered party: “What I wouldn’t give to be able to put my feet in the ground…” Lord have mercy on me, a sinner! Lord have mercy on me, a sinner! Lord have mercy on me, a sinner!
Who am I to think that I have the luxury of time to waste? God gave me many blessings and talents, as simple as they may be, and I have no right to let them go to waste. Yet, where do they belong? I know my talent of hyperfocusing can be a curse. However, I need it to overcome this fear I’ve created of failing to properly make bread. I want to stop and chat with someone, (anyone!) but I must curb the impulses. Lord have mercy on me, a sinner! Lord have mercy on me! Lord have mercy on me!
Boundaries are so important to others that I must be cognizant of that so as not to upset them. Yet they are important for me as well. Why do they seem like prison walls for me? What are their rules? Why don’t I understand them? What are the steps to follow? Why does following them seem as awkward as being told to stand still at a track meet? When will the doctor call?! Why aren’t the meds working?! Lord have mercy on me! Lord have mercy on me! Lord have mercy!
Is it really making bread that I fear? Or is my fear misplaced being projected onto the bread? I accidentally burned myself again. Now I’m up to four Band-Aids. Two on fingers on my left hand and two on my right wrist. Great! Now I’m REALLY going to look like even MORE of a kook! Lord have mercy. Lord have mercy.
At least the bread came out better than it has in awhile. On to gather tax information. Lord have mercy!
I’ve gained momentum in a positive way now. This is good. Did too much though. In a lot of pain and migraine’s coming back. Knocking on my head as if it’s asking permission to enter, when it knows it will soon be barging in regardless of the remedies I use. Must rest. Shove some κουλουράκια (Greek cookies) in my mouth as a reward. As if I really deserve it. How quickly I forgot how the morning started. It’s a blur anyway. I’m sure it’s OK. Finally catching up on reading blogs while resting. Typed too fast before thinking my comments through. Don’t think my humor is translating well. Oh no! Can I fix it? Let me try! I think I’m making it worse! Now I’m a KOOK in all caps! What’s that one mentioned? Oh that’s right! Boundaries! She read my mind! Put the phone down and hit your reset- Lord have mercy on me, a sinner! Lord have mercy on me, a sinner! Lord have mercy on me, a sinner!
I pray I can continue improving. I must keep my focus on God so He can keep me on the path that’s meant for me. As a sinner, I cannot afford to rest in the fact that I deserve to treat myself. Look how easily the evil imp (as St. Paisios calls it) can weasel his way into one’s thoughts and deceiving you into believing it’s a God given right to do so. Today was a good example of that: becoming overly relaxed, hence becoming too full of myself.
I love you, Dad! I miss you something awful. But, I have a feeling a part of it is God’s way of helping me learn to be more reliant on Him, rather than lean on you so much as I once had. Here comes Photios readying himself for a goodnight snuggle. Boy! Can he purr up a storm! Καληνύχτα!
*Modified title of a self-help book.